“You’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”
I broke down into some serious ugly crying during this Huggies commercial. It felt like salt in the wound, especially since I left Bennett and went back to work this week.
Leaving him is somewhat liberating, but also heart-wrenching and debilitating.
During my long drives back and forth to work, I kept wondering why when I’m with the baby I sometimes desire just a few precious moments to myself to breath. Yet leaving for work felt like losing a limb. And I’m aware this isn’t just felt by mothers. My husband shared with me that it took him weeks to get over getting back to work after Bennett was born.
Nevertheless, I am selfish in my grief right now.
I don’t have answers and I am sure it’s different for everyone, but I wonder if my pain stems from not just the bond between mother and child (an intense one), but the fact that up until recently the two of us have shared the same body.
For almost 10 months, I alone felt his every growth and move. Sure, I had relationships outside of the one with him, and he heard voices of those other than mine, but the two of us were one in the same. He told me when he was mad, excited, uncomfortable. He only had me and I grew him all by myself.
Even when he left me and joined the world, we still shared my body. Jeff held him and changed his diapers, but I alone could feed him and make him thrive.As much as it is asked of mothers to sacrifice everything we have and are in order to give our babies life – what do you do when your sun and moon and stars is handed to another when they still need you so desperately? I feel despondent. I feel as if a vital limb or organ has been taken away and I am expected to move forward as if the last 3 months – hell, the last 13 months – hasn’t happened.
I know it will get better. I know he will only get more and more independent – needing us less and less. But this does not bring comfort. My heart is broken.
Here ends my emo post…
In My Sights This Week
- The RNC…no comment.
- The Real Housewives of New Jersey is back! Judge all you want….sorry I’m not sorry.
- One of my very favorite outreaches is Chicago Books to Women in Prison. Here‘s an interesting article that explains the importance of what they do. Support them if you can!!
- I cannot recommend this read enough. I have had to go to physical therapy and may have some damage to organs from pregnancy and childbirth. I had no idea how common this was or how to advocate for myself.
- This article about saying goodbye to my pre-mom self seemed like good timing for this week.